Lately ...

I've been missing Tattoos. And The Gentleman. Even my continued sexy texting with the Dr. is making me feel, oh I don't know, somewhat nostalgic for my former dating self. Fall is here. It's getting darker earlier and there's more of a breeze in the air. The other morning, I wore a sweater on my early walk to the gym. Fall has always been the season that I find most romantic. I don't know why really. Maybe it is the cool breeze. Maybe it's the thought of having a nice evening walk with someone, our arms linked, destination: a cozy little bistro where some lovely, comforting food and wine awaits us. Maybe it's because I always think of fireplaces (even though I don't have one) and crunchy leaves underfoot and my beloved cowboy boots and big warm sweaters like hugs with strong arms and the heat of someone's breath on your ear as they tell you their hopes and secrets.

All this is to say that I've been not only missing dating lately, I'm beginning to feel sad again that I'm not making any progress romantically. Maybe because my head is filled with all of the crap I wrote about just now. Two things have happened recently that have really made me contemplate what this journey thus far has meant for me. First, I was speaking with a friend and realized that even though I was very, very sad when Freckles took his leave of me, I wasn't all that surprised. We had sort of entered a rut. We'd meet as per his schedule, have dinner/drinks/make food, come back to my place, hang out and talk until he started caressing my knee, then we'd jump each other. Wash, rinse, repeat. I never met his friends. He never met mine. Don't know still whether this was because maybe he was seeing other women and bringing them around his friends or whether he just wasn't ready to take that step with me, but either way, I think this is very interesting. I never brought him around my friends, because, well, short of making a specific plan to intro him, there wasn't really an opportunity. So, in retrospect, I believe our little tryst was destined to be just that.

Secondly, I was hanging out last night at a BBQ with two good friends and several of their new neighbors, none of whom I knew. I ended up sitting next to a women who seemed very young but was probably my age or close to it. She kept talking at different points in the conversation about several different men that she'd had dates with and asking the folks she knew what they thought of each of these guys. Sprinkled throughout this conversation were random interruptions via text message from several of these suitors. I listened to this conversation with particular interest ... because I saw so much of myself in her. Honestly, she seemed more loosey goosey with the whole dating scene than I feel like I am but so many things she said are things I've said, too. At the end, she said she knew that nothing would probably work out with any of them but that that was ok because she was happy with how her life is. I immediately laughed inside myself and thought, "Who are you kidding? You're not happy. We all want to find someone and if you don't, and are really fine with the casual scene you've described, please give me a drink of the Kool-Aid because I'd give anything to just not care anymore." If I had balls, I would've said this out loud instead of letting it fester until I just typed it here.

I found myself wondering if this was true during my walk home from this party. I believe that I will not find the person for me until I feel comfortable in my own life and self. With every failed/expired relationship I've had throughout this process, I feel like I've gotten closer to myself (i.e. I've put up with less crap) ... here's the thing, though: isn't a part of life the constant exploration and evolution of self? If that's true, then the belief that we won't be able to have a successful relationship with someone else until we have one with ourselves cannot be true. How do these two things coexist? These are the conversations I have in my own head as I wander around Whole Paycheck looking for a new vegetable to cook ... my head is really loud sometimes.

Here's the one thing I KNOW is true. I will keep looking, no matter how much the fall makes me yearn for something I don't yet have and can't quite get myself to believe exists. Because right now, it feels unnatural for me to be single. I'm fucking great and sometimes when I get really sad about going to bed alone (yet again) and waking up alone (for the thousandth time) and going about my day with no one to come home to except that random vegetable that will be a part of a meal just for one, I curse the universe and wonder what in the hell everyone else is doing right that I'm not or what in the hell everyone else knows that I don't which allows them to find someone, yet I still roam alone. I get really pissed off sometimes. Then I get sad again. Then I wake up and the feeling of being alone is so familiar that I almost forget I feel it sometimes. Do I just accept that this is my cross to bear? Man, I need to stop bitching. I just read that back and wonder how annoyed all of you are with me.

So, here in the next few weeks after I attend a few weddings, get through a really busy time at work, and generally have the cashola ... I'm back on the internet dating horse. Riding into the goddamn sunset of the virtual matchmaking world. Finally, I've been thinking about the title I gave to this blog 9 months ago ... my "yearlong" search. Huh ... that year is swiftly coming to an end here. Bets on whether 2010 will start with me having sushi with Tattoos, or someone equally as HOT, and then having some body rocking, toe curling, lip biting-ly fantastic sex? God, I can only hope. Do I want this more than beginning the new year in a stable, awesome relationship with a beautifully smart and adoring man? N to the o. I would like to run into Tattoos sometime, though. If only to see just one more time the way his eyes used to eat me alive. Damn.