6/12/2010 - It's been a while

Don't know if anyone still reads this ... can't blame you if you don't, as I've been off the radar for a bit. Almost two months from the looks of it. Well, after a mourning period during which I dealt with the loss of Friend and got myself back on track, I'm here again, fresh, clean and ready to start over. I've decided to use another online dating site to assist me because, well, it's convenient and I just don't have much opportunity to meet folks out. So, here we go again ... and there's much to report since I've blogged last.

Here's what's happened:

New Fellow: we've been on two dates so far, today being the second. We met this past Tuesday for drinks at a bar he suggested. I was a little irritated that he didn't offer to pick me up and drive us there, or suggest a place closer to my work or home but we don't really live very close to each other so I'm guessing he picked something he thought was in the middle. At any rate, I had a nice walk there and I was able to combo the date with a short grocery shopping errand because I arrived about 15 minutes early. After my purchase of some on-the-vine tomatoes (awesome) and fat free, calorie free, creamy bacon dressing (OMG gag me awful) I mosied into the bar and got a seat near the door. I had been to this bar once before several years ago and remember it being fun and lively. Sadly, this particular evening it was neither. It was super quiet, no music, and there were about 7 guys sitting at the bar. I was the only lady in the place and as soon as I sat down, all 7 man heads turned as if cued by some invisible stage director and gazed in my direction with identical confused glances. I stared back s if to say, "What? Am I not allowed to be here right now?" and they all slowly turned back to their beers, gazing up at the TV which played the baseball game.

A couple minutes later I saw some legs coming down the staircase and he was there. Initial reaction: Mom jeans. Bad shoes. Heavier than in pictures. Dumpy. Dammit. I quickly masked my disappointment and decided that I needed to give this guy a fair shot because everyone deserves a fair shot and looks really mean nothing. Honestly, not every guy I've dated has been a model and I'm certainly not perfect so who am I to make such judgments? He suggested we sit at the bar with all the other dudes and we got two seats. Beers ordered. Waters poured. Conversation flowed easily and was pretty great. He stood the whole time which I thought was a tad odd but, eh, not really a big deal. We got along pretty well actually, and at certain random points, I was finding him attractive and could see the possibility of a future make out. Then that would go away and I would get that yucky, pit of stomach feeling of not liking and how do I get out of this.

After the second round, we (I) decided that it was time to go home and we walked out. He held his arm out for my to link mine in and I did. It was a nice gesture but weird so when he turned to point something out behind us, I took that opportunity to separate myself and didn't reconnect. He opened his car door for me and drove me home. Good boy. At drop off, we hugged and he gave me a little peck on the cheek. Said he had a great time and would call because he'd like to see me again. I said great and got out, waving at him as I walked into my building.

He called the next day and asked whether I'd like to meet up again before he goes out of town for his work for a couple days. Even though I called back and said yes to a second date, I really struggled with whether I wanted to see him again. My initial reaction to his appearance didn't really change after we hung out and no matter how interesting he was or how much we have in common, I just couldn't foresee a circumstance where I'd want to jump him. This is important, people. If there's no urge to jump, what's the point? I have a sofa to keep me comfortable. a job to keep me busy, and a sprinkling of close friends and myself to keep me entertained. So, really, a man in my life would add some comfort, some activity, some entertainment but the main thing he would add that I don't already have is sexytime. So, if I don't want that, what can he offer really?

I'm still struggling with whether I'm feeling the chemistry even after our second date. We went on a hike today and he was obviously more comfortable showing me he was interested ... holding my hand, touching the small of my back as we ate lunch, offering to help me over some particularly gnarly rocks on the trail. He suggested after lunch we go back to his house and lay in his hammock and I could rub his overly full sushi belly. I laughed it off saying that belly rubs are more of a third or fourth date activity ... a graceful way of avoiding the possibility that there might never be belly rubs. Speaking of this, he also did something that really skeeved me and almost stopped me from accepting the second date offer. We were texting a couple days ago and the topic became his dinner meal. I made some joke about what he ate not being a proper meal and he responded by saying that he wanted to make me his meal.

I'm sorry, what? We have met once. We have talked on the phone twice. I literally know nothing about you. Way, waaaaay, WAY too early for the sexual innuendo. I went silent after that, contemplating how to handle my discomfort and he picked up on it, texting to ask whether he'd scared me. I wrote back no, but advised that what he wrote was over the line. He apologized and we moved on ... So, even after a pretty great second date (by objective standards) at the end of which he gave a slight kiss on the lips and asked for the third date next Thursday, I'm still on the fence. I like him, we get along well, we seem to have some important things in common. He's not a jerk, a douchebag, or anyone I would ever worry about cheating or otherwise being mean in any way. But ... I'm just not feeling the stomach butterfly, warm fuzzies. In other words, if he fell off the face of the earth, I can't say I'd be disappointed. Maybe that's normal at this point. Maybe that's okay. I'm just nervous to drag this out to date four, five, six even and still not feel it then be in the situation of having that conversation. Such a horrible conversation, that one is.

So, for now, I'm trying to just relax and think about it while he's gone. What I keep coming back to though, is that I feel like he's not good enough for me. I know this sounds really awful but if I were out with him and we somehow ran into, oh I don't know, Friend or some other ex of mine, I wouldn't sidle close to him and think in my mind while I was introducing one to the other, "See how awesome my new man is. See how great I'm doing." How horrible is that?? Man, sometimes I want to take my brain out of my head and smack it around a little bit.

So, here's the question for whomever might actually read this ... would you guys give him a third, fourth, etc. chance or cut it now? I really don't want to string this guy along on the hope that there's a chance that my feelings will change. Historically, when I've been on a first date I've been pretty quick to either have feelings or not and have acted accordingly, so giving this guy a try is pretty new territory.

In the meantime, I'm communicating with other people and hopefully will have other dates soon. Because even if I keep seeing this one, I am not settling down just yet. Lotsa fish in the sea and I just got a brand new boat.