4/26/10 - Another One Bites the Dust

So, I broke up with Friend late last Thursday night.

Things had been sort of off for the last couple weeks. I was hoping that the conversaton we had at the beginning of the month, coupled with my telling him that I was nervous about how much we'd see each other would have resulted in him making more effort to see me. Unfortunately that didn't happen and for the last couple weeks, the times that we did see each other were less and less and were all at my initiation (not a good sign). The straw that broke the camel's back happened earlier that night: after having not heard from him in a couple days, and feeling a little fragile, I texted, asking whether he was around for the weekend and he wrote back that he was free Sunday. I was not free Sunday and at that moment realized that it was the umpteenth weekend in a row where he was busy both Friday and Saturday nights with other people/events and had made no effort to include me, see what I was doing, affirmatively make plans with me. At that moment, I went from mainly sad to mainly pissed and the clouds in my mind parted allowing me to see very clearly what it was that I needed to do.

So, I bit the bullet. I asked him to call me and when he did, I told him that I was unhappy about how things were going with us, that I felt like he didn't want to see me, and that it seemed that he had no time for me. I felt (and still feel) that he's not in the same place that I am (i.e. a place where he wants to, and is ready, to be serious and make someone a priority). I have struggled with this for awhile, fighting against this fact because I truly enjoy being with him, feel that we have a lot in common, and was really, really hoping that this would work out (I mean, Sweet Lord, why can't something just fucking work out???). When I said all of this to him, he asked what had changed between the time we talked before I started my new job and now ... I told him that we were seeing each other less, not more and that it felt like he was making zero effort (making me feel unwanted, taken for granted, etc.). He explained that at that moment his job was paramount to him and he was really trying to "fast forward" at work. He said that when he goes off the radar for a couple days his friends understand and don't think anything of it. Finally, he said that he couldn't tell me that he would rearrange his life for me. Well then ... guess that's the answer. By the way, I'm not your friend so when you go off the radar, it does matter to me and I do think a whole helluva lot of it.

He didn't fight me. He didn't try to talk me out of it. I sort of thought he wouldn't but was hoping that he would. If he had fought back, said that he didn't want to let me go, said he could make it work, I probably would've given him yet another chance so maybe it's best that he just accepted what I said and let me say it. Obviously, his lack of upset-ness at what I said was the biggest sign of all that this wasn't meant to be.

I told him that I didn't want to do this, that I didn't want to stop seeing him because I really liked him and that this was killing me to say. But I reiterated that I just wasn't happy and that we are in different places in our lives right now. I asked him at some point what he wanted and he either didn't answer or I was too freaked to pay attention at that moment to what he said.

Sigh.

I hung up the phone after he wished me goodnight and said that he didn't see a reason why we couldn't keep in touch, maybe get coffee, and still hang out because he does like spending time with me, etc. He again said that he wasn't taking me for granted. Doesn't matter though, because that's how I feel and someone who I'm hoping to have a future with shouldn't make me feel that way, especially after four months.
We'll see whether he actually contacts me. As I was the breaker-upper here, I won't contact him under any circumstances. You guys know me, I don't hang on. At least outwardly. What's done is done ...

The main reason I did this is because while I was all wrapped up with him, I wasn't free to see other folks, and hopefully at some point, find the one who is ready for me, will make me a priority, and won't ever take me for granted. Question is (as always): does this person exist? I'm so fearful that they don't. I often have trouble getting my coffee order at Starbucks. They always forget about me, which means I have to remind them that I'm there, waiting patiently for my drink. Is this the same deal? Has the universe forgotten about me? Well here's my reminder: I'M HERE. I'M LONELY. GODDAMN!!!! HELP ME!!! IT'S BEEN LONG ENOUGH!! FUUUUUUCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!

Despite the impression the above outburst of all caps conveys, I'm ok right now (like this very second ... who knows though? In an hour, I might be sobbing hysterically in the bathroom at my office, hoping nobody comes in and finds me). I do feel sort of relieved to have made this decision because it means I haven't allowed myself to be a relationship doormat this time around.

When I get really sad, and feel the loneliest, the real, deep, dark fear creeps in: is all of this time alone making me undateable, unmarryable? A weirdo. Set in ways. Too rigid to co-exist with another person. I'm 32. I want to meet someone. And I just ... can't. And I'm trying to be positive, harness the same powerful energy that I firmly believe helped me get the new job I have now, but fuck it's hard.

As I am a problem solver, my mind has naturally kicked into solution mode, running through my options. I cannot go back to the online dating site I used previously as there are still multiple skeltons rattling around that closet. And if the goal is to meet someone who's ready, and history is any indicator, I can't think of a worse place to begin anew. So, maybe a totally different site. Maybe activities. Maybe drinks alone at random bars. Maybe nothing. Maybe growing old and craggy, alone and sad, with multiple pets. Somehow though, as much as I want to self-pity and wallow, I can't make myself believe this version of my future. It's too apocalyptic ... too harsh.

So, here's to starting over (again). I'll try to keep my disgust in check as I re-enter the cess pool that is dating in my city. Chin up!