4/2/10 - Thinking of

changing the name of the blog to 'Dating with Schizophrenia' or possibly 'The United States of MseDater' ... here's why. Over the last couple weeks, I've been devoting a lot of mental energy to where this thing with Friend might be going. I go back and forth like an insane yoyo between relaxing and thinking that everything is great and progressing normally and thinking that the very next second I see him, I need to sit him down and demand to know where he thinks this is going and what his intentions are.

Ok, ok ... I would never demand anything, you guys know that. But these are the thoughts in my head. Rather than fly off the handle and corner him, possibly freaking him out and driving him away, I've had talks with friends, Mom, and myself to try and come to a solution that will make me feel secure and at the same time preserve the equilibrium. Obviously if I'd found this magical solution, I wouldn't be posting here.

First, I am fairly sure that my concerns are coming from two places: past relationships and my new job. I've mentioned coke head XBF (AKA Freakshow). He's significant because for almost a year in that relationship I pretty much rolled over on everything, did whatever he wanted, begged and scratched for the affections. I was the definition of a doormat. Why, you ask? Well, at the time I didn't really think very much of myself and therefore figured that he was the best I could do. I mean, he wasn't mean to me and took me to dinner and always opened the door for me. This was enough for me. At the time. As for the new job, well, Friend and I sometimes see each other at work and when that happens more often than not we end up hanging out that night. We take advantage of the opportunity to be spontaneous and it's thus far been fairly easy to see each other on weeknights because of this. My new job is not near him and I fear that he won't step up and make more effort to see me. This would leave us with the weekend, which I'll talk about in a second.

So, having discovered the root of my anxiety, I then thought about what, if anything, to do about it. I was advised last summer by several very smart readers that having the "conversation" was bad and not necessary. I wholeheartedly agree and wasn't really contemplating doing this with Friend. I realized that a side issue, yet still a very important one to me, was the lack of planning with Friend, especially for the weekend. What sometimes happens (happened last weekend actually) is that by the time Friday rolls around, he's already made plans with this one and that one and has not made plans with me. I then ask him what he's doing and he rattles off his other obligations and I feel left out and unappreciated and pissed off. So, I told him that planning was very important to me because it lets me know that there's room for me, tells me where I fit. He said that he could only offer tentative planning right now. He then said that we always manage to see each other at least a couple times per week. He didn't seem worried. Or have the urge to see me more. Problem.

Sidenote: I don't know why weekends in particular are so important. Well, ok, that's sort of a lie. On weekends, you have the sleepover, then lay in bed the next morning and talk or have a little morning action or maybe get ready to go out. Brunch, anyone? That's where the intimacy gets built. Not on a frantic Tuesday where schedules push back dinner times or meals are a rushed affair in my apartment and he leaves at 10 on the dot because of work the next day.

Ok, back to the point. Planning. That's as far as I've gotten in terms of bringing any of this up with him. He was receptive to that one. Good. It's been 3 months at this point. Arguably still early in the relationship. Arguably a time when it's okay to take stock and wonder, possibly aloud, whether there's a future. I'm still on the fence.

My bottom line concern: he likes me, enjoys spending time with me, is attracted to me. I know these things are true. However, I'm ready to settle down. I'm ready to make someone else priority #1 in my life. I doubt (strongly) that he is. However, can I make that assumption at this point? Without actually hearing those words come out of his mouth? And do I hang out here for another 3 months, 6 months, a year with these doubts? I put myself in the place of having had this conversation with him and imagine how it would feel if he told me what I don't want to hear. It would blow. So much. But, after the emotional fallout, crying, eating, etc., I would wake up, breathe, move on. Enjoy the summer. And maybe meet someone who is ready ... that is of course, if he's not.

See why I'm thinking of changing the title of the blog? Last post was all sunny and rosy and yay!! This one, not so much.

Oh, here's another story: last Sunday we were walking around our city and got on the topic of relationships, not ours, other peoples, and he said that his Mom has always liked the GFs he's brought home and she asks him why he hasn't found anyone and settled down yet? He then says that he's the problem, that he's still looking for the right person. Um ... what ... am I still sitting right here next to you? Have we not been dating for 3 months now? Obviously I'm not the right one if you're telling me you're still looking for her!!!! Fuck!!!! After he said that, the conversation died. Those words just hung there in the air in front of us and I was so taken aback I didn't know what to say next.

I still don't know what to say. Help please. I've always been afraid to voice my opinion in a relationship, to stand up for myself. I guess there's still a part of me who's that fat girl who dated Cokehead XBF hiding inside my brain stopping me from being brave. Man, I'm confused. And we haven't made plans for the weekend. And I'm again pissed.