4/3/10 - Thinking of (Part II)

The conversation has been had. Exhale.

This is what happened. It was GORGEOUS in my city here yesterday. Blue skies, no clouds, light breeze, 80 degrees. As I'm in limbo between old job and new job, I was able to wander around like a nomad, laying in patches of grass, doing crosswords in the sun, reading books, people watching, generally enjoying my remaining moments of weekday freedom. I hadn't heard from Friend in awhile which was unusual and as the day progressed and the sun moved from high in the sky to low and dusky, my anxiety followed an opposite trajectory, from low to high. After talking with a friend of mine who's in school (meaning she was available at 3:00 pm on a Friday), I sent a text: "Um ... hello? Remember me?" Response: "Of course. What are you up to on this beautiful day?" Perfectly normal response if we'd made plans to hang out or if I'd heard from him earlier or if a million things had happened that didn't lead to me walking down the street in the late afternoon sun, pissed off, and ready to tell him to fuck off.

I asked him what he was doing this weekend and said that I'd like to see him. He replied by inviting me to hang out on Sunday. In the a.m. ... I wrote back: "So, you're busy tonight and tomorrow?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? He replied in the affirmative, tonight was mass and then time with some 'peeps' and tomorrow (today) was 'booked'. BULLSHIT. I said that we could hang out Sunday, I guess. I was hoping that he'd get my annoyance and call, thus giving me the opportunity to talk with him without me having to initiate the conversation but by the time I'd gotten to the front stoop of my building, I knew that I just had to take the bull by the horns, man up, cowboy up, bite the bullet ... do it. Have the conversation.

So, without allowing myself to think too much I called. He answered. I asked if he had some time because I needed to talk to him about some things. He said of course. So, I unloaded. My voice shook at times ... I rambled ... things didn't connect ... I said the phrase "I don't know" more times than I intended ... I basically said the following:
1) This was the second weekend in a row where by the time we talk, you're already busy and I get the Sunday
2) I've been feeling recently that I am an afterthought and basically fit into the cracks of your busy, busy schedule
3) I feel that everything is a priority over me, when plans are made there's no consideration for whether there will be time leftover for me
4) I'm wanting to progress here and continue to see you and get to know you and continue to build this and it will hard for that to happen when I change jobs if there's not more effort to make time/plans
5) I know you haven't been taking me for granted or assuming I'm free, but that's the way it feels
6) Where do you see this headed?

Phew. He responded to everything. He said he was glad that I was bringing this up because he can't correct something or make changes when he doesn't know something might be wrong. He said that he doesn't want to make me unhappy. All good. He said that he is not taking me for granted, doesn't assume I'll be free, and doesn't prioritize plans with anyone. Meaning I'm not on the bottom of a mental list. Basically, he gets a phone call and someone asks him to do something. He says yes. Then he gets another call, says yes. Another call, yes. At the end of the day, he has made a dozen plans with different people. None of them are more important than others with the exception of events like weddings, etc. He said that at his core he it not a planner, never has been, never will be. Having his weekends planned makes him feel suffocated and makes the weekend seem like an extension of the work week. I completely understand this, BTW. He also said that he can't predict what will happen with us in 3, 6, 9 months but that he sees a future here and wants to keep seeing me. He said that he is very careful when he starts a relationship and goes very slowly ... because of a past situation when he was involved with someone and it went on much longer than it should have, which made him and his partner unhappy at the end. He told me that he doesn't want to make me unhappy, that he wants to give me the best version of himself that he can. He also said that he needs to be happy, otherwise what's the point of being in a relationship in the first place? I agree. Finally, on the topic of weekends: he doesn't see a difference between weekends and weekdays ... he sees us hanging out whenever we do as good moments and doesn't place any importance on a Saturday over a Tuesday.

I explained why I think the Saturday is more important (less stressful, no timeline, able to relax) than the weekday ... he said he understood. He said he understood everything. We left off talking about what we were each up to for the night, him with plans, me with none. We said goodbye. It wasn't awkward, which was good, but I had a feeling that maybe it wasn't great, either. So, I was prepared to wait until Sunday to see him and then assess the fallout of this heavy Friday afternoon conversation then.

I went inside my apartment, changed, and walked out again with the goal of settling into a bar down the street with a chilled glass of Reisling. About five minutes into my walk, he called. He said he was coming down to hang out at our coffee shop and wondered whether I'd like to join. Yes. I changed direction, met him, and we stayed there for several hours. He made plans for mass ... and to hang with these unknown 'peeps' ... he didn't do either of those things. He sat on a couch with me. He drove me home, we kissed goodbye, and will see each other this Sunday after he goes to Easter Mass and has breakfast with his family.

Bottom line: I feel good that I was able to talk with him about this. I feel even better that he responded, saying that he is glad I talked with him and that he will change the things that he can because he doesn't want me to feel taken for granted or to be unhappy. I am not happy about his timeline (going so slow) because I'm not on the same timeline, as you know. However, is this a reason to end the relationship? No. I'm willing to wait (not forever, I'm not getting any younger here). I accept as true his assertion that there is a possibility of a future here and that he's thought about it. He said that maybe my purpose in his life, amongst other things, is to show him that doing things on your own can be great (there's a long story about why doing things alone freaks him out and this post is already long enough). Maybe his purpose in my life is to teach me how to communicate bravely with a partner, something that at this point in my life, I've never really been able to do. Who knows what will happen? Not me, not him, not any of you. I feel relaxed now that we've talked and actually feel excited again about him, rather than all balled up and tight.

I'm sure at some point, this might come up again ... and we'll see.