1/27/2010 - Letting Go

Of Friend.

And blog. It's time, guys. I lasted 12 months and 27 days. Quite a journey, to be sure, but I can't bear it anymore. I'm used up.

Friend is over and I don't have the strength to type details. I have struggled since we began a little less than a month ago with whether I wanted to proceed into the unknown with him. Two days ago, I was sure that I did, no matter the outcome even though I had serious doubts as to the longevity of our dealings and possibility of ultimate success. I resolved to be brave. Today though, I've had a a revelation of sorts. I have to let go. I have to not care. Every time a thought of him creeps in, I'll acknowledge it with an intellectual nod of the head, turn, and walk away. Because I need to protect myself.

I'm afraid that he's going to hurt me. He will hurt me. And I can't be hurt again. I just can't. If my heart breaks one more time, it'll just stay that way and how will I ever survive?

So, I'm letting go. Turning away. If he follows, maybe he can walk with me ... if he doesn't, well, I guess there's nothing I can do about that.

I face now the beginning. Back to where I was almost two years ago, before I started the internet dating odyssey I memorialized here. I am alone. In a room that I've been in a thousand times, staring at the walls. It's quiet. There's not a soul around but mine. It's very quiet. My thoughts are so loud but the room is so quiet. The words I type are blurry, tears being between them and my eyes.

As for the blog ... well, I don't really know what to say. I was hoping that it would end differently than this. I was hoping that the last post would be me announcing that I'd met him and that we were happy. I wrote once before, possibly after the Freckles tragedy that I often wondered whether to just accept the fact that this love thing and me, well, we just don't mix. Like ships in the night, we pass and cannot find one another.

Continuing the metaphor ... I will sail on. Drift. Toss in the tempest. Sink.

Goodbye.