2/13/2010 - Hi

Yes, what I posted last time made no sense (Jess, you are soooooo right). When I read it back to myself yesterday, it sounded like complete nonsense ... but at the time, I was feeling very insecure and unsure of Friend, I felt like he was pulling back, maybe rethinking our whole decision to explore the romantic road and frankly was incredibly scared that he was ditching me. This scared me terribly for the usual reasons rejection scares anyone but this was different ... if he disappeared, not only would I be losing yet another possible romantic partner but I'd also be losing a really wonderful, phenomenal, supportive and amazing friend. And for the life of me I couldn't figure out why or how this was happening. So, I decided that it would be easier for me to pull back, retreat a little bit, let him come back to me if he wanted to. Let him have his breathing room, if that's what it was, and for once in my neurotic, schizophrenic dating life, take of me and not worry how they're feeling or what they're doing or whether they're pining for me.

So, I waited. I breathed. I woke up everyday and proceeded with life. Happily, much to my surprise. Once I'd decided to "let him go" ( a phrase much more dramatic than it really was in fact ... I simply stopped initiating communication but would respond when he popped up), I felt like a giant weight was lifted off of my shoulders. And after he did come back, with renewed strength and passionate interest, I realized that I had manufactured the whole situation. My brain tricked me into believing that someone who'd been obviously and relentlessly pursuing me for months, would suddenly, without explanation, get over that and just ditch. Ridiculous. When I relaxed about us, and our trajectory thus far through the door from friends to lovers, I'm almost 100% positive he sensed that and he relaxed, too.

And we've been happily seeing each other, regularly, ever since. We have had walks through city shopping districts, couch smooches with NPR in the background, chai lattes and coffee with side orders of vegetarian goodies, and two sleepovers, with the second being last evening. He has said that he sees a future here but we both agree that we'd like to avoid labels and take it as it comes for now (and for once, I'm being honest when I say that I feel this way, too). He's asked repeatedly whether I'm seeing other people (to which I've answered no and so has he), and last night, when he touched my cheek and said, "I like looking at your face", I could feel my heart get big and tears start to mobilize just below my eyelids. They didn't come out but in that moment, I feel like we moved a little bit.

And when I think about this in the abstract, I realize that we have all the time in the world to laugh, talk, whisper, lie still, hold, kiss, and move closer to each other. When I think about this in reality, I get really, really excited because tomorrow, I will have for the first time in my life (no kidding here) a Valentine. I know, I know, it's stupid. When he brought it up, I was really surprised that he wanted to make plans, partially because I'd convinced myself that if he didn't, it wouldn't be a tragedy and had thus spent a lot of time mentally preparing for the day to be glossed over as any regular Sunday. But, no!! He asked what I was planning for us which then lead to a fun conversation about how he should be doing the planning and should be pampering me! A gift hatbox of pajamas, anyone? After all was said and done, we divided the plans like competent, organized adults: he's got dinner (sushi) and I've got after dinner activities. I racked my brain as to what this could be, trying to be as creative as possible, this being my opportunity to shine on Valentine's Day and impress him, but after multiple catastrophic blizzards wreaked much havoc on my city, I drew a total blank. Building a snowman on Valentine's Day in the cold, wet, dirty snow in front of my building? Thanks but no thanks.

I finally decided on white chocolate covered berries (he loves white chocolate, don't ask me why), candies with melty centers (also something he loves, regardless of what the melty center is), and me in lingerie. Pretty typical Valentine's Day fare but I'm fairly certain that he will enjoy the aforementioned "activities" ... I mean, what man wouldn't want homemade treats served to them by a woman who's scantily clad? No man, that's who. Especially if there's a blindfold involved ... (insert evil sexy laugh here)

So, thanks for reading the melancholy last post. And thanks even more, for reading this one ... an attempt by me to redeem myself both to you and to myself. I'm working hard here to stop myself from sabotaging this. Because, man, this is good. He is so good. When he's not around, I think about him but don't ache and when he's next to me, I'm not spending every other second wondering when I'll see him again. And, most importantly, when he leaves, I don't feel lonely, like something's been lost. Because I trust that he'll walk back in soon enough. And in between seeing and seeing again, we're both spending our time being the people that we are, the very people that we are attracted to and want to get to know.

Hello.