Ok, I'm back ... this is like a freakin' addiction

UPDATE: He called and asked me if I was free for a picnic in the park this coming Monday not one hour after the brutally honest post below. I feel a little ashamed of myself right now ... but that's partially what this was for ... I am who I am. Ya know how people say they want to meet someone who makes them better? Well, maybe this guy will make me better. A little bit at a time. And probably very slowly. That's ok with me.


Not because anything is wrong (I hope) but because I need to vent a little bit here and hopefully have anyone who reads this tell me that I've nothing to worry about and every thing's ok. So, here goes ...

Freckles and I exchanged texts Thursday about possibly getting together this weekend. Well, ok, that's a bit of a mischaracterization. I brought up the possibility of us seeing a baseball game. Our team is out of town right now so he responded by saying that we should totally go to a game next week when they get back. In response, I asked him if he was around this weekend for possible other activities. He responded, saying that he'd love to see me but was in the midst of juggling plans with friends from out of town, family, training, sleep, and possible work commitments. I wrote back saying that it was no problem, to let me know whether/when he was free, and left it at that. I was hoping to at least hear something from him at some point yesterday or today, asking me how my weekend was going, telling me that he had some free time to hang out, something.

I've heard zip at this point and I'm doing my best (read: a shitty ass job) to not freak out (read: I'm freaking out).

Possibility Number One: he's telling me the truth and is actually busy, has no time, can't take a breath and when he can, has decided that sleeping/chilling/watching DVRed Tour de France coverage is more important/desirable than touching base with me. Perhaps too, he doesn't feel the need to touch base with me until he has free time to actually have a conversation or make a plan. After all, he did list off for me all the activities that he has going on and probably thinks that I'm doing my own thing and haven't given the possibility of us getting together a second thought. If this is the case, I should feel glad that he doesn't know or suspect what a fucking psycho I am. Obviously, Freckles is not a woman (thank goodness) and doesn't know that we need the check in. At least at the beginning, we need it so we don't begin to assume Possibility Number Two. Finally, if past behavior is predictive of future behavior, he'll get in touch with me when he wants to ask me out. He's not really a "check in" kinda guy. Unfortunately, I like and sometimes feel like I need the check in so guess I just need to calm myself here ...

Possibility Number Two: he is freaking out and taking this opportunity to distance himself from me. Step one is to tell me he's too busy to hang out this weekend. Step two will be to tell me that he's "slammed" at work next week and can't make plans then either. Step three will be to start fading away and not responding to my texts. Step four will be me wondering what I did wrong then beating myself up then spending countless melancholy, tear stained hours convincing myself that I will be alone forever, consigned to roam amidst couples, feeling heartbroken and very, very pissed off, mentally cursing god for putting me on this earth seemingly without that other half we're all promised we'll find when we're little girls playing with Barbie and Ken, obvious plastic soulmates.

Is the pity party over? No, it's just beginning. Am I being totally irrational? Probably and I hope so. Are my feelings of anxiety, sadness, and futility exacerbated by the terrible day at work I had yesterday/pre-menstrual syndrome/general feelings of loneliness? YES.

So, what am I going to do? Well, currently the plan is to make some good dinner and possibly hang out with friends tonight. I will not contact Freckles until he contacts me. If he's feeling overwhelmed, I don't really want to contribute to that and become another obligation for him. I don't ever want to be an obligation for anybody. That is, until the ring is on the finger ... then they've obligated themselves voluntarily. Until then though I'm a ghost as far as Freckles is concerned.

Here's something else I've realized through this dating process: I sort of hate dating. Wait, that's a lie. I totally hate it. It's hard to be soooooo ready and not be able to go. Maybe I need to focus on being ready to be alone. Has anyone else ever felt like this? I feel like a freak right now. Like one of those girls who's a total basketcase and should just lock herself in the closet until she accepts that realities of life and can emerge, hardened, ready to face whatever happens. I feel surrounded by women who are much, much stronger than I am here. Women who seem to be able to shrug off every heartache and just move on, head held high. If anyone reading has felt this way, that'd be good to know. So maybe I can stop convincing myself that I'm alone. At least in that way.