The other shoe has dropped. The worst has happened. Freckles is no more. I have no clever words. I have no idea why. All there is now is pain. Sadness. Confusion. Depression. Hurt inside. Hurt, hurt, hurt. HURT. I want to rip out my heart, throw it on the ground, and stomp on it until it stops beating and causing me this terrible aching pain.
Let's just pull the skin off and let this be raw. I'm 31 years old. I'm curious, intelligent, independent, outgoing, healthy, in really good shape (for the first time in my life). BUT ... I've never had a boyfriend or significant other. This is pathetic and I'm ashamed to tell people this so I usually lie about it when asked. Terrible cokehead freakshow was someone that I saw for almost a year but he wouldn't say that he was my boyfriend, there was no commitment there, and it was a terrible relationship that I'd rather forget. What is wrong with me? Every friend I've ever had can tell me that there's nothing wrong with me until they're blue in the face but when I am the only common factor in all of these failed relationships, it's really hard for me to think that it's not me. And it's really hard to be positive.
So, even though I'm only 31 years old and I dream of meeting someone to fall in love with and spend the rest of my life with and have children with, I feel that now is the time to accept that this probably isn't going to happen for me. For a long time in my life I've wondered whether it was my destiny to be alone. I've wondered painfully longingly desperately whether I was not meant to ever meet anyone. I've watched literally every single person I know meet someone else and begin relationships, becoming un-single. I've had conversations with my mother about this and she's been honest about the fact that maybe I'm not going to meet anybody. It hurts to hear someone else say that but maybe it's true.
So, I've decided that instead of trying trying trying to meet someone, I'm going to focus my energy on accepting the fact that I won't. Ever. Other than the dates I've had and the odd times hanging out with the friends I have remaining in my city, I roam alone. I eat alone, drink alone, go to movies alone, concerts alone, I walk around alone all weekend, and just float through my city like a ghost. When I'm taking these walks, I try to smile. But I'm not happy. I was hoping Freckles would want to make me a part of his life and I was feeling more and more sure that I wanted him to be a part of mine ... I can't go on. There may not be enough moisture in my body to create the tears needed to satisfy an emotional release here. Maybe I'll drive. Drive out to a field somewhere. Get out of the car and just scream like a fucking crazy person. Maybe that's the release I need.
But then I'd still have to get in my car. Drive back to my city. Park my car. Go back into my apartment and face the next weeks, months, years of my life alone. Here. I've become someone I never thought I'd ever be. And I don't like her. I don't want to be her. I don't want to be here. But there's nothing I can do about this. There's nothing I can do to change this part of my life. I've let myself be open to any possibility, any person who might show interest. I've done this for over 18 months. I can't do it anymore.
So ... I will go to work. I will go to the gym. I will wake up, go to sleep, breathe in and out ... until I stop doing those things.
When I think about how lonely I am, I can barely breathe. And ... nothing ... there's nothing.
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Girl, when did you write this? First there are many people who will welcome you to Mi-sury so if its super bleak we'll take you. Plus you do look great and are great and you've also become someone you want to be with a lot of hard work!
ReplyDeleteEtta james says there are two sides two sides to every story and two wrongs don't make a right. Two mistakes will only make a heartache. And you both will end up losing the fight. You better be aware and you better have faith if you care. Things aren't always like they seem to be.
Maybe that doesn't make sense, I'm trying to get at its all how you look at things.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Oh Ms eDater!! You've been so strong through this whole journey, and inspired a lot of other people to forge on in the dating scene as well. I really believe that a soon as you love yourself enough to be comfortable being single, you'll find that someone. Why? Because you'll be so confident and fabulous that you'll attract the same.
ReplyDeleteBut. . . that's just my two cents. I'm still single too, and every single person has the same track record. . . but don't give up!!! The hurt will fade, just like it has before.
If you look back through your journey (at least what you've written about here), everytime you go through a tough heartbreak you find someone even better, even closer to "the one" er, blogstopper ;) Don't let freckles be the blogstopper for the wrong reason, Ms. eDater!
PS, We'd love to have you in Mi-sury!
i know coming from me this doesn't help, but you know i struggle too, from the other side of the fence. but instead of giving up, just give up for a little while. you don't lose hope. you get back on that bike again and again and in the case of another good friend of mine, she does that literally. you find other things in your life to occupy your time. you make friends, you hang out with the ones you have already, you see art, movies, get pedicures, whatever. and you learn to enjoy it for a little while. you will, i promise. i know it's been forever, and i know how hard that is. but i feel like it takes getting completely comfortable in your own skin and your own life for it to happen. and if it doesn't? is that the worst thing ever? nope. it's really not. but you need to accept it whichever way it rolls. this doesn't mean that you can't be sad and it doesn't mean that you're destined to be a crazy cat person (tho i have one for you if you'd like). it means that you become the person you truly want to be. i know it's hard to do it alone, but you can. and. you're only 31. you're not ancient. you're not dried up. you're not old. i truly think that this is all part of the journey, as much as it sucks. and just remember. when he finally appears, you can smack him upside the head repeatedly and ask him where he's been all this time! (that won't appear crazy at all ;))
ReplyDeleteMs. E Dater,
ReplyDeletePlease, please, please don't give up all hope. I'm turning 30 in September and I'm alone too! I also live in your city (we've met- at a BBQ of a mutual friend.) I could write until I too am blue in the face about how you'll be fine and you'll find someone but I've been in your place and I know that doesn't necessarily help you to feel better. You're gorgeous, smart and independent. You have a good life! Focus on the great stuff and not on the fact that you're missing just ONE piece of life. Remember too that yes, you've been dating heavily for 18 months- but many (like me) have been dating 15 YEARS and still haven't found someone. Please don't be so hard on yourself and never give up on yourself. You are SO much better than that!!!