2/18/09 - Date Eighteen: :(

Guys. I'm getting sad. Here's why: I had a great, sensual, intellectual, amazing connection with this one over the phone and via emails. He wrote the most amazing things ... similar to BEST DATE EVER, his missives were poetic, dreamy, romantic ... our pre-date phone conversations were lively, energetic, and engaging. I had such high hopes for our meeting. Knowing that in the past when I've had such high hopes I've often been disappointed, I tried to temper my excitement but it was really hard. Because with every man who I feel this excited about, I can't help but wonder whether he's the Blogstopper.

NOTE: the Blogstopper is who I'm looking for. This is a blog about dating, not about relationships. These are two different things so if I were to actually *gasp* meet someone and we made the decision *gasp* to be exclusive and give monogamy a go, ditching this whole dating disaster, I'd post my final post and entitle it: BLOGSTOPPER. Because none of these people know I'm writing about these dates ... obviously if I were to reveal intimate details about a relationship without my partner's consent that would be evil and yucky and wrong and I'm not going to do it. So, looking for the Blogstopper.

Ok. Thought that there was a chance this one was him. No dice. Sucks. We made a plan to hang out at my place because I had to bake a cake for a colleague's birthday and then maybe go for some sushi down the street. He arrived and I walked to the front door of my building to let him in. Almost immediately I felt that sinking feeling. You know that feeling, right? When you're really, really excited about someone and then you know somehow from the first second that they are not for you and while a friendship could develop, this was not someone you ever wanted to get naked and nasty with. This is the line, am I wrong? I mean, unless you want to jump someone, they are your friend. They are not someone you want to, nor need to, date.

Moving on ... we baked the cake together, chatted in my kitchen, and then on the sofa while the cake did it's thing. The conversation was good ... no awkward silences or weirdness. But also no spark. No energy. No butterflies. Sad. So, we rolled to get some sushi. He was very complimentary, polite to wait staff (very important to pay attention to on a first date, if I haven't noted that before), and took the bill when it came. I ordered a roll that was fully twice the price of the others, plus some soup so offered to pay. His response: "If you really want to ..." Ouch. Reminds me of Ethiopian Food and Really ... I laid down some cash for the roll and decided it was no big deal as I wasn't really interested anyway and making some dent in the check made me feel a bit less guilty for not feeling the way in person that I felt before we'd met.

We walked back to my place, I gave him a piece of the cake (don't worry, my colleague knew that it would be presented with some pieces missing) and then sent him on his way. Well, kind of. He looked at me at one point and said, "Wow, you look really sleepy." I said I was and thanked God silently for presenting me this easy out. I got the distinct feeling that he was looking for the goodnight kiss but I just couldn't do it, which I think he also sensed so he didn't try.

He gave me a really tight hug at my door and told me to give him a call sometime if I wanted. I think I mumbled yeah or something similarly lame and he was on his way.

Several things to note here: One, he lives very far away from my city so on a positive note, I just avoided the annoyance of a long distance relationship. Two, he brought me a mixed CD (ohhh) and a jar of macadamia nut butter (WTF?? Have you ever looked at the label on this stuff?? 24 grams of fat per 2 Tbsp. serving!!!!!! That's going either in the trash or to anyone who'd like to contact me about adoption). Three: he said he was 5'8" ... so not 5'8". Unless I'm 5'8" and I'm not 5' freakin' 8".

Sigh. This is Date Eighteen. Of 2009. I probably had at least 20 dates last year. Some of those were firsts only, some were seconds, some actually resulted in relationships of abbreviated length where, had I been writing the blog at that time, I might have been tempted to call one of them the Blogstopper. I'm trying to stay positive here. Trying to just keep on keeping on and enjoying myself. But sometimes it's hard and sometimes (all the time) I wonder why I just can't seem to meet someone. Everyone says (and everyone's right) that it only has to happen once. I get that. And sometimes I find comfort in that ... sometimes though, I contemplate the odds of that and have to pull myself off the ledge because it seems so impossible.

Going out tomorrow night for the fourth time with backpack guy ... can't say I'm excited ... but not not excited. Sigh.