3/31/09 - What Goes Around Comes Around

So, I got dumped. And at the very time I'm typing this post, I'm crying. And I have a cold so life generally sucks right now.

As I previously posted, The Gentleman and I missed each other last weekend. I was out with PTC Friday and he went out of town to visit his family Saturday into Sunday. I anticipated that I would hear from him when he got back into town on Sunday and I did. Only after I contacted him, though. I sensed that something was wrong when it took him multiple hours to get back to me via text. Historically, unless its during the workday, he's been very prompt with the reply text message so this sent up a red flag for me.

We had some messages back and forth Sunday night. He told me that he was going to be out of town for business on Monday and Tuesday, something he'd told me already when we talked on the phone that previous Wednesday. The last message that we had Sunday night was him asking me what I was doing that week and me responding that I was free pretty much every night. Which I am. Going through a dry spell here with the online scene.

Anyway. Given that he was out of town, I made no contact with him and expected to hear from him either Tuesday night or Wednesday, today. Yesterday around 3:30, I checked my personal email at work and saw that he'd written. I excitedly opened it anticipating that he was telling me that he was back and was asking to make plans. I'd just found out about a hidden treasure Korean restaurant and was really excited to tell him about it. I was half right. The email did tell me that he was back but did not ask me to make plans.

Apparently he has been talking to an XGF recently and he saw her when he was out of town visiting his family that previous weekend. She told him that she wanted to try their relationship again and he told her they could hang out and give it a go. Meaning, we couldn't hang out and give us a go. He said other things, too but during the initial reading I couldn't see those things. The typewritten words on the screen were blurred beyond recognition by the tears welling up in my eyes. After reading it again today, I was able to read those other things. He said that he was conflicted. He said that he really enjoyed meeting me and the time we spent together. He said that he was despondent at having to write this. He wished me the best and said that we'd likely run into each other again ... um, ok.

This is the first one that's really hurt, guys. I was pissed when Tattoos dropped off because he gave me a BS reason for doing so (celibacy). I was similarly pissed when the Dr. dropped off because he too gave me a BS reason (giving up sex for Lent). I was sad when BEST DATE EVER dropped off because I couldn't for the life of me think of a rational reason why. And now this. This doesn't piss me off and I'm not confused. There are many things going on with this and I need to make a list here:

1. I appreciate that he wrote me and didn't just disappear. I told him this in my response to his email.
2. I'm feeling bad because this is what I told Backpack (hence the title of this post) and when I told him this it wasn't true. It makes me wonder whether The Gentleman is telling me a fib, too.
3. I know I said this with BEST DATE EVER but I'm really wondering how many more times I can deal with things not working out. Either they like me and I don't like them or I like them and they don't like me/are unavailable/meet XGFs and decide to rekindle. BTW, does the rekindle ever work out? I mean, seriously, you broke up for a reason.

I don't know. PTC has been very persistent and even offered to take me to the opera after I mentioned casually during a phone conversation that I had never gone and really wanted to. Problem is I'm not sure what PTC's intentions are and feel sometimes like I don't have the strength for another mystery. The Gentleman was a man. He was straightforward, not complicated. I was never worried about whether he was going to call or make contact. We have so much in common and I was so excited to have some fun spring and summer adventures with him. Now all of that is gone and honestly, I might be more sad about the potential with him than anything else. When the others disappeared, it was okay partially because I had more possibilities on the horizon, other dates lined up. I haven't gotten a new email from anyone I've been interested in in a couple weeks. I try to tell myself that this internet thing isn't my only option but ... but ... it is. I hate focusing on what I don't have because I really do have so much but I don't have single male friends who can introduce me to their single male buddies. I don't have single GFs to go out with in hopes of meeting single men at bars, etc. Plus, meeting a bars generally sucks anyway. And my work is peopled with freaks and female colleagues (not that work is a good place to date anyway).

So, I have the internet and part of me thinks that that is the problem. This medium makes it easy to meet a large amount of people with very minimal effort. Men don't have to settle because they have so many options (or so they think). The forum lends itself to being perfect for those with commitment issues and social awkwardness. I have met these people. I do not want to date them.

Then there was The Gentleman. No weirdness. No social awkwardness. No games, no BS. So refreshing. He treated me the way I deserve to be treated. Without qualification or expectation. Damn. XGF is lucky. Or maybe not given the fact that he wrote me today saying that he's still thinking about our time together ... damn.

Ladies, I'm tired. I'm tired of being single. I'm tired of wading through the very shallow and somewhat nasty dating pool out there. I'm tired. But, as a friend of mine just said to me, and as I've said many, many times to myself, I must soldier on. I have a choice: either give up and face the possibility of roaming through life alone or keep trying and hoping that he is out there somewhere. Sigh. Guess I'll be spending the weekend composing a witty profile intro and uploading more gorgeous photos to try and trap me a man. Sigh.