Ok, this was date four with YIPPPPEEE!!! who I am now renaming for the second time. His new name, if I ever mention him again, will be: WTF. As in, What the Fuck.
Here, I usually do the whole song and dance about what we did, where we went, etc. but none of that really matters. What matters is that after dinner and drinks and a stretch of weird and awkward (uncharacteristically so) conversation, something happened that I cannot comprehend. We left the bar after I closed out my tab (I'll post later when I have the strength and mental orientation about dinner, etc.) and he asked me which way to walk to get back to his house. I told him he needed to go right and that I needed to go left. He turned and said that he needed to tell me something but that he couldn't and he looked really serious (and nervous and uncomfortable) ... I was stunned for a couple seconds and the next thing out my mouth was to ask whether he had an XGF that was still in the picture since that seems to be the reason why I get ditched by ever other loser I have the unfortunate luck to come into contact with. He said no. I asked whether it was work and he said no again, then he said he wanted to tell me but just couldn't ... I waited for a second and half-jokingly told him that he could text me if it was so hard to say out loud. He sort of laughed then said no. He turned to me, gave me a tight hug, and said that it was good to meet me and he walked away. I turned and stood at the corner, my back to him, trying to hold back tears, and when the light turned, I walked my way. For the half minute I was waiting there, completely still, I felt like the whole world stopped. I felt like I was frozen and everyone else, all activity, sound, commotion, vibration was passing by me, through me, as if I wasn't there. I wanted to disappear. I made it about ten steps before I couldn't hold it anymore and there, right in the middle of a busy intersection, on a warm, breezy, otherwise perfect Friday night, I cried. Openly, unashamedly, because I had no idea what in the hell just happened and I didn't care.
I got home after what seemed like mere seconds, probably because I was speed walking while crying the whole way, just thinking home, home, home, home, home ... and even though I have the overwhelming urge to call or text to ask him what in the hell just happened, I immediately deleted his number and all saved texts from my phone. I cannot bear the thought of writing him, not hearing back, and knowing that my message, my plea is just hanging out there ... alone, sad, and unanswered.
I think I just broke. I think I just gave up. Something inside me, deep inside, just snapped. I'm done. Done. How many more of these people do I have to meet? How many more times can I take the leap of faith, fall into the abyss, and pick myself back up again? How many times do I have to be let down before I finally give up?
None times. Because I am giving up. Right now.
Sorry guys. When I'm crying on the street corner, I think that's a pretty clear sign that this needs to end now. I don't think that my heart can take Date Forty Nine. So, I'm done.
Maybe I'll start blogging about cooking and my cats. That what sad, pathetic, hopelessly single ladies talk about, right? Cats.
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Ohhhhh. I am so sad that this day has come...What the fuck I agree! Take the time you need or break. Hell I'd give you an honorary masters degree in interpersonal relationships if i could. I'd keep reading if you just talked about food and cats. Of course you'd have to get a cat. I love you and am proud of you for whatever you decide to do.
ReplyDeleteI think we should run with the assumption that what he had to tell you was that he lost a testicle.
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