By the end of this post, you'll come to realize why I entitled it the way I did. Bear with me, please, this was a really long date and oh my god, I never thought I'd meet ANYONE who can hijack a conversation like me ... last night I did. You ready? Here we go ...
We met at a restaurant both of us wanted to try that is EXTREMELY popular, especially on a Friday evening. Result: Two hour wait, which we decided to brave because the food around us looked and smelled a-ma-zing. We strolled upstairs to see whether there was a place at the bar (where both food and drink could be had) and found one, avoiding the two hour wait that would not only have been tedious but potentially uncomfortable if the conversation didn't flow. We ordered a couple beers, one of the specialties of this particular establishment, and started getting to know each other. The conversation was interesting and uninterrupted (except for when the two idiots behind us set their table on fire and then joked that I was so hot, it must have been my fault. Aw, shucks, that's sweet).
I learned the following (*please see note at end of post):
1) spent two years in Eastern Europe in a certain government run service program (rhymes with Niece More)
2) lived for another two years after that in another country in Eastern Europe, teaching school (rhymes with Roland)
3) has traveled all over the world including recent trips to South America and Asia
4) is self-employed because he "can't imagine working for a boss"
5) has owned multiple homes, including one in another city about an hour from our city which he "gave up" after it got broken into multiple times
6) left grad school after the first semester during finals because he wanted to hitchhike up the coast of California
7) keeps bees for to make his own honey
8) has slaughtered animals - goats, cows, pigs, chickens, all manner of other foul (grew up in a rural town, not a Satanist)
9) recently spent time at a party with members of the Grateful Dead and spent a week in Berkeley "hanging out" at Wavy Gravy's house
10) once foiled two gun toting muggers by smashing one in the head with a very expensive bottle of Vodka transported all the way back from Eastern Europe travels and then when the police arrived to investigate, ended up giving him a ride to the party he was going to
11) ... need I continue ...
Look, I'm just a women. I went to college, got a graduate degree, moved to my city, got a job, live in an apartment, drive a car sometimes, hang out with friends, eat food, drink liquids. I've traveled to Europe a couple times, but have not recently (or ever) spent time with famous musicians, roughed it in a developing country, or slaughtered a living, breathing animal. So, what are my responses to these crazy, almost unbelievable stories? To shake my head, look at him with intense interest and say things like "Wow", "That's funny", and "Really" over and over and over. A couple times he came up for air and asked me about myself but when you can tell someone you've just met about that time you hung out with some Hell's Angels and partied for a week, why, oh why, would you give a crap about anything they have to say?
Now, admittedly, I'm being a tad unfair here. I really did enjoy listening to this man's stories, they were very entertaining. But the whole time, I'm feeling like the most uninteresting person that's ever walked the face of the earth. I know that it wasn't his intention to make me feel this way but I couldn't help it.
This was the dinner portion of the evening. Moving on to phase two of the longest date ever: burlesque and live rockabilly. Yes, you read that right. Burlesque. Meaning T(its) and A(ss). Being shaken seductively on stage, live, two feet from me and my date's face. Now obviously this atmosphere could be very fun to take in with someone that you've been dating for awhile ... could add fuel to the fire, if you catch my drift. But sort of weird, to say the least, to view this with someone you've only known for three hours. Especially when they don't really know what burlesque is and start laughing nervously when the performer takes off her bedazzled bra and starts the pasties a-twirlin'. ESPECIALLY when your date chooses that time to inform you that his life's ambition is to go to Peru with his shaman and harness his spiritual energy with the aid of something called 'iowaska'. Google it. The only reason I knew what it was is because, shockingly, he is not the first person I've been on a date with who revealed to me their desire to follow a shaman to Peru, drink this iowaska in tea form, enter a hallucinogenic state, and find his "true self".
Oh, I'm tired now. And I was tired then. So, I told him I was turning into a pumpkin and we rolled out during the third and final set of rockabilly (which was really good, by the way). I was contemplating how to get a cab but feared that I didn't have enough cash so he offered to give me a ride home. Major Check Plus!! We were in an area right around the corner from his house and nowhere near mine, so he definitely gets mad points for this.
Got to my place, hug goodnight, all smiles. I was still reeling from all the stories when I received a text thanking me for a great evening and telling me that he really, really enjoyed it. I responded in kind.
Lessons learned here: sometimes people are so interesting and have so many stories that I am suspicious of them and I feel boring in comparison. My problem, not theirs. Also, this guy said in his profile that he was 5'6" (see, short. Stories. Get it?) ... this caused me concern initially because if I wear heels, which I tend to do on dates to feel sexy and because my pants are long, I'm taller than 5'6" and being taller than your date is never a good start. Don't know why, it's just true. But I've found that men tend to overestimate almost everything, height being no exception. This guy though, was actually the height he said he was. Another check plus.
*I made myself three promises when I decided to start this online, public diary. First, I'd edit postings only once and never go back after posting to edit them again. Second, I'd commit to telling the absolute, brutal truth. Third and most important, I'd leave out any specific identifying information to protect the privacy of my dates as well as my own. I have, with this post, bent rule three. Out of necessity. How else would I convey the insanity of the story telling!! Will try to not let it happen again.
After reading this post last night and cracking up over you meeting another person on a shaman trip, I talked with Cam. We came up with 2 ideas about why men might do this: 1) they are in need of a religious experience so would like to induce a freaky experience so they can find something bigger than them. or 2) they are unable to be satisfied with the bliss and soulfullness of everyday (you never know when you might meet a guru) and thus they will keep making new missions, never satisfied.
ReplyDeleteNote to self: Cam had friend I wanted you to meet, apparently he also wants to drink this tea. I think the match is officially off.