6/21/09 - Date Fifty Four: Squash Blossoms and Goodbye??

and other treats. Ok, ok ... I named the post "Squash Blossoms" only because I feel really proud that I cooked these tasty little delicacies and feel even prouder that Freckles participated in this adventure with me and seemed to enjoy it immensely.

So, this was Date Six with Freckles. He's the only person I've seen in the month of June. In the past, I would have been feeling a little freaked out that I didn't have something else on the horizon, that I didn't have other dates lined up, that I wasn't emailing other people. But now though, I'm purposefully not looking for anyone and when someone does email me (which honestly hasn't happened in awhile) I look to see who they are and then delete it. I have no interest in responding to anyone and don't want Freckles to see that I've been looking at anyone, as I've said before. On to the date, then an observation and a question for you guys ...

We met on this lovely, sunny, breezy Sunday afternoon at my most favorite bar. I got there before he did and ordered my drink, opened a tab, and waited for him to arrive. He came a few minutes later and we said hi, then had a nice little peck on the lips before he sat down. Gotta say it ... every time I see him, I am more excited than I was before. He ordered a drink and we chatted about the busy, busy weekend he'd just had. Dinner with parents Friday night, then a formal going away dinner for his closest friend who's moving away from our city to another one for work, then that morning, volunteering at a triathlon. He's super bummed about his buddy leaving and told me that he was really going to miss him. I sympathized with some kind words and a little rub on the back ... after the second round of drinks had been ordered, he suggested we get some little appetizers, so we ordered a few things and continued to chat. After telling a colleague about our date at work the next day, she said that she was very impressed that he made the effort to hang out after having had such a busy weekend. I, too, am excited about that but am trying soo, soo, sooooooo hard not to read things into the things that he does.

We paid the tab and walked out. On the sidewalk, standing in the warm early evening sun, he asked what I wanted to do now. Mind screamed: HAVE SEX!!! Mouth calmly said: Well, wanna experiment with the squash blossoms I just bought? Sure, he said and we meandered up the road towards my house. On the way we passed this seemingly random, impromptu skateboarding competition which was really cool and then we walked through this beautiful little park near my house. Every Sunday evening, there's a drum circle there that attracts neighbors and folks of all kinds, banging on drums, pots, dancing, generally celebrating the weather and the outside. It's really great and energetic and he'd never seen it before. So, we watched that for awhile and then I showed him my favorite spot in my city. It's about a block and a half away from my apartment and it's the place I stop to stretch and relax after I run. You can see the whole city and we stood there for a few minutes just looking at the sky, the view, each other ...

We moved on to my house where we cooked the blossoms. Well, I cooked - he watched. I was super nervous to cook for him, even this simple little treat, because he seems to be so comfortable making fairly complicated dinners and has really nice pots, knives, etc. My pots are shit but they were free ... so I felt a little self-conscious. I told him he couldn't make fun of my pots and he promised he wouldn't. The blossoms turned out really well and I think he definitely enjoyed them. After we finished them, we just sat on my couch and chatted some more until I felt like it was time to change things up ... so I kissed him and again, here I must go dark.

He left my place around 10:45 because he had another early morning wake up and it was a Sunday night. I had a tough day at work the next day and was actually glad that he was headed home. I never sleep as well with someone else as I do alone. Probably because I'm much more used to sleeping alone. I want to become unused to sleeping alone, ya know? Anyway, we kissed goodbye at the door and I fell asleep immediately, feeling happy and good and already missing him.

So, first the observation and then the question: I'm feeling increasingly uncomfortable giving you all the details of our dates because this feels a bit different than the others. I'm feeling like I'm getting dangerously close to violating his privacy, even though this is anonymous to a large degree. So, there's that. Then there's my insane superstitious side that is very, very, very afraid to dub him the "you know" because I fear that when I do, literally the next second I'll get the kiss off email or on the next date he'll tell me that he's an alien or a fugitive or a cross dresser or something. So, don't want to do that but think that this may be it ... at least for awhile.

We've made plans to see each other tomorrow evening, Thursday. This will be Date Seven with Freckles, Date Fifty Five for the year. Freckles could still end up being a freakshow ... he could easily break my heart ... he could disappear like the others. But right now, things are going better than they have with any of the other fools I've met and I'm clinging to that with everything I've got. While at the same time reminding myself that my life was pretty great before him and if he goes away, it'll still be pretty great. Just not for the couple days immediately after his disappearance during which I'll cry and convince myself that I'm going to die alone and wonder why everyone, and I mean everyone, besides me can seem to find someone ... bad thoughts, I know but it's just par for the single lady course.

So, even though I was hoping that at some point this would happen, I'm sad. But, here's the question: do we have the conversation? Do I initiate the conversation? (NO NO NO NO!!!!!) Do I just let things progress as they will and roll with it, not thinking about the conversation or where we're headed or what he wants? He'll tell me (or, in a more man fashion) show me what he wants, right? Everything thus far seems positive? God, I'm sort of a mess and this guy's really, really not a mess. And I like that about him, Very much. Those of you that are involved with someone, please pipe up and give me advice. Because ya know, the ironic thing about this is that I've become a great dater ... but I have no idea how to be in a relationship, which was the point of this whole thing the whole time. And if that's what this turns out to be (again, hope hope hope hope) I might be in real trouble. But, as with this whole process, I'll love every sweet, sweet minute of it.

So, give up the advice all you marrieds, engageds, coupleds, and cohabitaters!!

MseDater thanks you!!