From posting!!! I figure I'll leave out any details of sexytime and that way, I can curb my feelings of discomfort that I'm getting very close to violating this guy's (and our) privacy. So, here goes ...
We made empanadas at my place. So tasty!! He rode his bike over and commented that he couldn't go slow enough to not get sweaty, then he apologized for being sweaty. I just smiled and thought to myself sweaty or not, you're still greater than great. He came in, I offered him some water, and he pulled a couple beers out of his bag for us. I began the process of making the various fillings for our treats as he stood in the kitchen door, watching me, asking me about my day. I prattled on, as I tend to do, and he just listened, beer in hand, sort of smiling. In the middle of some rambling, non-sensical story I was letting drip uncontrollably from of my mouth, I had a realization ... I felt completely and totally comfortable. At that moment, standing in my tiny, hot kitchen, barefoot, cooking for this man, it felt like he was coming home to me, to us, and we were just catching up on the time we'd been apart. Like we'd known each other much longer than the month that has almost gone by. It sort of caught me off guard and for a split second I feared again that maybe I was acting too comfortably, too casual ... in the past, I've suspected that this has harmed a potential relationship by scaring a guy away. Don't know whether this is true or not, obviously, so I quickly shooed the thought away and asked him about his day. He told me his stories ... work successes ... upcoming weekend plans (I'll get to that in a bit) ... sadness because his 'best buddy' has moved away. He helped me mash some black beans to put inside the empanada wrappers but otherwise just watched me and periodically joked about not doing anything. Just stand there and look at me that way, I thought to myself. That's all you need to do ...
When the food was ready, we sat on my couch to eat, and he was over the moon! He'd never had fake (soy) meat crumbles and loved, loved, LOVED the ones that we stuffed with those and some plantain. They were the best out of the three ... the others were black bean with some adobo (super hot and spicy, made him sweat all over again) and spinach/feta. These were really fun to eat with him because every time we picked one up, we guessed what it would be. Bizarrely, each time we picked up the same one and of the three that we each ate, we got one of each different kind. Take this as a sign? Even I am not that superstitious. But the thought did cross my mind ... Anyway.
Dessert, after more talking, was a slice of angel food cake straight from the freezer, a little vanilla ice cream, and some fresh strawberries. All received with much happiness and smiles by Freckles.
[Blank space to protect privacy]
:)
Ok, so he's leaving my place. Getting the bike ready, putting on the weird bike shoes, maneuvering the bike in my impossibly tiny entryway ... he's leaving my apartment AND my city for 8 DAYS to train with his fellow triathletes at some friend's cabin somewhere in the wilderness. When he told me this, I wanted to say that I'd miss him, that we should get together immediately upon his return, that we should talk everyday while he's gone!!! AH AH AH!!! Please, please, please don't forget about me!!!! Or meet some other sexy triathlete and swim, then bike, then run into the sunset at your wilderness retreat!!! AH!!!
Ok, stop. I did not say any of this (obviously, I'm only internally psycho) and even though these thoughts were so loud in my brain I felt like my eyes were going to start twitching, I maintained. At my door, he said the following: that it was really good to see me again and that he'd try to call me this week from the wilderness, that he thought his Blackberry would work there. I said that that would be nice and that I'd like that, that it was nice to see him again, too. My mind quieted down ... calm. After some reflection (unfortunately over the rest of the ice cream, which I totally mowed down in my bed after he left), I realized that while this little out of town time would mean that I would miss him, maybe it would also mean that he would miss me, too. Novel concept. And that could be very good.
My colleague always gives me good advice. Good because I feel that her strengths in relationships are my weaknesses ... she's very assertive, doesn't put up with BS, and can seemingly easily walk away from someone confident that if they follow, it's right and if they don't it's not and life will go on as before. As you all surely know by now, I have a problem walking away because I don't want to be alone and in the past I've stayed with losers because I thought that that was better than being alone. It's not, by the way. I know that now ... but Freckles is not a loser. Anyway, I'm off track here ... colleague tells me that she's feeling very positive about this one because the progress of this relationship seems normal to her. In contrast to past fellows. I too, feel very encouraged by his offer to make contact while out of town. Hopefully he will.
And now to the funny/horrible part of this otherwise wonderful evening ... I don't know what I ate/didn't eat or drank/didn't drink or did/didn't do but I had the WORST GAS EVER. Like, clear the room, people running out covering their noses, gasping for air bad gas. I took some generic Gas X and mercifully it diminished, but not totally. There were some dodgy moments while cooking where I hoped and prayed that the smell of the spinach sauteing and the black bean mash would mask the stinkiness of my intestinal fiesta. This caused me to be very nervous for the first 45 minutes or so of the evening. We've all been there ... um ... right?
***Here's a response to ecp from Oregon (I hate to put it in the post but can't seem to figure out how to respond to a comment ... dating savvy does not equal tech savvy): Em, I'm so sorry that you're going through this hard time right now. I have proceeded with life under the assumption that growing pains happen mostly when you're a teen/in your twenties and you're trying to navigate your way to adulthood. Recently though, due mainly to some struggles I've had with work, etc. I have come to realize that there are also growing pains that happen now, in the thirties, and they're much more serious somehow ... it must be difficult to look back over your time with this man and see the good in that given that it is now ending. But, in addition to so, so, so many other things about you that I deeply admire and love, I'm in awe of your ability to make the decision to leave him behind and be strong for yourself. For me, having children is a non-negotiable, too ... thanks for reading and I hope, again, that you're able to hook up with the bro and that you enjoy the peacefulness and beauty of where you are. I have always thought that you have a special connection to the natural world that makes you a very wise woman. I'm proud of you and hope we can meet sometime soon when your physical travels are done ...
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